NFL Draft

Teams should have approached the draft like this….

1. Trade ***DETROIT LIONS****: Jimmer Fredette, WR, BYU - The Lions aren’t used to picking outside of the top 10. Also, they haven’t selected a WR in the first round in what, 10 years? Jimmer is a deep threat and destroyed teams from deep throughout his senior season. Calvin and Jimmer have the potential to be the best receiver combo since Moss y Carter.

2. DENVER BRONCOS: Aragorn, son of Arathorn, King of Gondor - We fell in love with Aragorn’s natural athleticism. The Broncos drafted their leader on offense last year in Tim Tebow; and Aragorn, born with leadership in his blood, will be a great addition. He would fit in great on a defense that struggled mightily last season. Watch the film, his defense of Helm’s Deep was one of his best performances. Also, he will have no problem with the terrain up in the Rockies of Denver.

3. BUFFALO BILLS: Cooper Manning QB, somewhere in New Orleans – The Bills haven’t drafted a good quarterback since Jim Kelly. They are abandoning their past ways of finding a signal caller and going with someone they know has the ability to win a Super Bowl. Cooper is the selection here.

4. CINCINNATI BENGALS: Paul “Wrecking” Crewe, QB, Inmates – Carson Palmer is going to retire or be traded. The Bengals have no choice but to go in a different direction at the quarterback position. Crewe possesses a strong arm and if he can get the inmates to follow him, he will be able to get his Bengals teammates to follow him. He’ll fit in great in Cincy, inmate and all.

5. ARIZONA CARDINALS: Steamin’ Willie Beaman, QB, Miami Sharks - We think the Cardinals should have added another third-stringer in Beaman at the quarterback position. Don't agree with us, you think that's funny? That's fine, that's fine, that's fine. It’s not funny. Nothing is funny to us.

6. CLEVELAND BROWNS: Lester “Chicle” Jones, CB, Penn State – Don’t know of Chicle Jones? Neither do we. They call the last pick in the draft "Mr. Irrelevant." Cleveland takes that philosophy into every round, including the first, as they draft someone we're not entirely sure actually exists.

7. SAN FRANSISCO 49ERS: Jesus, Leader – With Mike Singletary fired, they lost some fundamental religious values at the head of the organization. Glen Coffee, a former running back for the Niners, left the NFL to become a preacher. This team is in serious need of help and the Messiah may be their only hope. After guys like Montana and Rice, Jesus is about as good as it gets.

8. TENNESSEE TITANS: Julius Campbell, DE, TC Williams – Ever since Jevon Kearse left the team, the team has been in search of another “Freak” at the Defensive End Position. Campbell, a former Titan himself, fits the mold, as he will take care of the strong side on this Tennessee defense.
9. DALLAS COWBOYS: Usain Bolt, WR, Jamaica – Jerry Jones loves the publicity that would come with a guy like Usain. The speed, size and potential are through the roof. He can’t drop more passes than T.O. The Cowboys will pay Bolt. They gave Terrell $25 million reasons to live.

10. WASHINGTON REDSKINS: Luis Mendoza, Forward WR, USA Hockey Mexico – The Redskins love speed. They almost love it as much as Oakland. Here, they go with the speedy former Duck, Luis Mendoza. Luis has a motor and he never stops. He can’t stop. He just doesn’t stop. A motor I’m sure Mike Shanahan will love in Washington.
11. HOUSTON TEXANS: Davey Crockett, LB, A Mountain Top in Tennessee – The obvious pick here, Crockett bring a tenacity hard to match anywhere in the world today. If Crockett can defend the Alamo for 13 days against general Santa Ana's Mexican army, I'm pretty sure he could defend most anybody in the NFL. What? He’s been dead for 160 years? Dig him up! He killed a bear when he was 3 years old.
12. MINNESOTA VIKINGS: LeBron James, Miami Heat – After watching the Timberwolves suffer heartbreak in July, the other Minnesota team will not allow him to slip away from them. James has no choice here but, to bring his talents to the North Star state. One of the more miserable fan bases in the nation have nothing to complain about here. Good news for Vikings fans, James will do anything to win a title, including selling out and throwing an entire city under the bus. The guy knows what it takes to win. If they don’t take LeBron, don’t be surprised to see them take a stab at Packer legend - Bart Starr.
13. CAROLINA PANTHERS: Tyler Hansbrough, QB, UNC (via the Pacers) - He’s out of the playoffs and available. All I ever hear about is his intangibles. All an NFL quarterback needs is intangibles, so Hansbrough can go back home to Carolina.
14. ST. LOUIS RAMS:  Sam Bradford again, QB, Oklahoma - They don't want to screw up their draft after having great success last year. They draft Bradford for the second straight season for two reasons: 1. To reassure their fan base that they can make smart selections and 2. To ensure that Bradford will never leave St. Louis.

15. MIAMI DOLPHINS: Ray Finkle, K, Ace Ventura Pet Detective – Miami constantly treads water in the uber-competitive AFC East, and they hope that Finkle can kick them to a division title. Finkle may be a convicted transvestite, but he’s still no stranger than Ricky Williams or Brandon Marshall.
16. JACKSONVILLE JAGUARS:  Ryan Mallet, WR, Arkansas - They converted Matt Jones to receiver in 2005. He was tall, athletic and played quarterback for Arkansas. HEY! We’ll see how it works for them this time around.
17. NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS:  James Bond, S – 007 is an obvious fit for the Patriots. He possesses a clean-cut, win-at-all costs attitude with a variety weapons in his arsenal, and he may be the only man in the world whose dating record rivals Tom Brady’s. When you factor in his espionage, well, even Bill Belichick will smile.
18. SAN DIEGO CHARGERS: Steve Graff, P, San Diego- The Chargers turn to a local San Diegan, San Diegon, to try and bolster their pitiful special teams. Portrayed by Jack Black in the hit movie “Anchorman,” Graff’s leg has become the stuff of legends as its power brought even the great Ron Burgundy to tears.
19. NEW YORK GIANTS:  Spike, LB, Little Giants – Upon being drafted, he requests a trade to the Cowboys. He refused to play with Eli Manning because, as he says, "Spike don't play with girls." How does it feel Eli? You now know how the Chargers felt.
20. TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS: Peter Pan, CB, Never Never Land- Pan brings leadership and the ability to fly to a troubled and depleted Bucs secondary. Also, Pan has been dealing with buccaneers his entire life, and has tremendous upside. However, his inability to age may prevent him from ever reaching that potential.
21. KANSAS CITY CHIEFS: Steve Hanson, C, Hanson Brother, Charleston Chiefs – The former Chief himself centered up the most feared line in hockey history. Bringing that fear to Kansas City will help improve already one of the league’s top rushing teams. Rounds 2 and 3 for the Chiefs are all too obvious of picks.
22. INDIANAPOLIS COLTS: Bobby Fischer, GM, Iceland- Finally the Colts get somebody who is on the same intelligence level as Peyton. People often say that Manning treats football as one big chess game. Who better to teach him than the youngest Grand Master in history? As far as the search for Bobby Fischer goes, well, Peyton can find anybody. Still not sure who he is? Did you know who Austin Collie and Pierre Garcon were two years ago?

23. PHILADELPHIA EAGLES: Cruella de Vil, LB, 101 Dalmatians - Her history of dog abuse doesn't scare the Eagles. We feel that she would fit in great on that tenacious Eagles defense. Philly fans will love her bitch attitude.
24. NEW ORLEANS SAINTS: Bobby Boucher, LB, South Central Louisiana State University - Mamma, mamma, mamma, my mamma said that the Saints were going to take Bobby Boucher. The hometown hero will be welcome on this New Orleans defense. Ironically, Bobby's mother said, "The Saints are the devil."

25. SEATTLE SEAHAWKS: The Most Interesting Man in the World, ATH – He’s often been known to draft an NFL team. He’s so strong; he’s literally been seen carrying an entire football team, on his back. He’s so interesting; he makes even the Seahawks, well, interesting.
26. BALTIMORE RAVENS: Manny Pacquiao, WR/CB, Philippino Boxer - It’ll be tough for the socially awkward Pacquiao to follow the Most Interesting Man on the stage, but still the Ravens make him their guy here. Pacquiao will bring his pugnacious attitude to arguably the most feared defense in the NFL. Luckily for us, we know the Jets will pick Mayweather at 30. This means in week 4 we may finally see the fightwe’ve been waiting for. But given the appropriate tentativeness of the NFL season, probably not :(.
27. ATLANTA FALCONS: Booby Miles, RB, Permian Odessa Panthers – A great change of pace running back who looks good in black. “God made black beautiful, God made Booby beautiful.”

28. OAKLAND RAIDERS (via New England):  Aron Ralston, WR, Guy from 127 hours – Desperate to jump back into the first round, the Raiders snatched their pick back from the Patriots in a trade. The Raiders take athletic enthusiast Aron Ralston, star of the movie 127 Hours. Ralston is extraordinarily determined and will do literally anything to help his team win. He’ll join a plethora of talented Raiders receivers who can’t catch.
29. CHICAGO BEARS: Dwight K Schrute, S, Dunder Mifflin Paper Company- Which bear is best? It’s irrelevant now that Dwight will never have to fear Bear attacks again as he joins the Bears’ vaunted defensive unit. Let’s also not forget about Schrute’s legendary speed as he once outran a black pepper snake.
30. NEW YORK JETS: Floyd “Money” Mayweather, WR/CB, Boxer- Let a big talker play for a big talker. The controversial but talented Mayweather will join either the controversial but talented Jets secondary or their controversial but talented receiving corps. Rex predicted a Superbowl, Floyd a thrashing of Manny Pacquiao. Neither has happened yet, but who wouldn’t love watching this duo all season? As Bart Scott would say, “CAN’T WAIT!”
31. PITTSBURGH STEELERS: Whiz Kalifa, WR, Rapper- Let’s just make it official. The Steelers fan base and even team members fell in love with the Pittsburgh native’s hit song “Black and Yellow,” an homage to his hometown footballers (and also his Pirates and Penguins). Plus their last pot smoking black wide receiver won a Superbowl MVP. So they got that going for them. Which is nice.
32. GREEN BAY PACKERS: Cain Velasquez, UFC Undisputed Heavyweight Champion of the World- Not only would the Undisputed champion Cain scare the living bejeezes out of his opponents as he joins an already terrifying front seven for Green Bay, but he might also cause Aaron Rodgers to drop his very disputed title and that ridiculous celebration.